Just Thinking Aloud...

I've just been in such an odd mood lately. I'm not really depressed. I'm just more...thoughtful. I've been searching out distractions and nothing is working. Though I must admit that I have learned quite a bit about the FLDS cult, the SCA, baking and sewing; none of that is REALLY what I've been looking for.
I don't know how else to describe it except that it's like when you want something really yummy to snack on but can't quite put your finger on what you want so you start pulling out ingredients to see what you can come up with. Cookies? Nope. Out of butter...Pie? Uh, not enough eggs...So you go for the cake stuff...can't be chocolate, no cocoa! You end up closing up the cook book and leaving every thing you pulled out, on the counter. You walk away unsatisfied and discouraged, thinking about how you were just missing one thing from each recipe. It's very FRUSTRATING!
Well, that seems to be my life lately. Not just in one or two aspects but every part. I find my self thinking "if only" quite a lot these days:

• If only I had more dresser space my little girls' clothes would be more organized.
• If only I didn't have the two youngest so close together I would be able to expect my children to be able to sit through a devotional with the older kids in the morning (you try teaching 6 kiddos about peace in the home when you have one baby in your lap crying while the other is whacking them in the head with a toy!)
• If only I had some help during the day I might actually get through all of my kids' school work for the day.
• If only I weren't so tired all the time I wouldn't yell so much!

I could go on but I'll spare any readers who haven't already fallen asleep while trying to follow my ramblings...Any way, as I was thinking tonight, I found my self throwing an "If only..." pitty party. I feel like I'm just missing one thing from each part of my life to make every thing perfect. Why is that? I leaning towards the maybe that's "how God planned it" answer (my old stand by) But, I'm not sure that's gonna do it this time around. Because if "there must needs be opposition in all things" where's my opposite?

Where's my perfect. Wheres my one perfect morning devotional? Wheres my one peaceful, non-exhausting, slept all night, day? Where is that moment that I walk through my house with out seeing piles of "too small", "too big", "good will",or "to be folded" clothes?

Doesn't it make sense that we would need a little perfect every now and then just to keep us going? So I could say "Hey, you know what? I got all the school work don one day last month maybe I could do it again."

All I want is ONE of those ingredients so I can make my treat and ENJOY it!...I'll take laundry surprise...or a homework pie... or my personal favorite, how about brownies with a side of peace and quiet?

Any was sorry for boring you. To be honest I'm so tired that I don't even know if this post made any seance. No great words of wisdom to put here at the end. Just a some what troubled feelings that I'm still not happy about or at peace with...blah...blah...blah...